Updated: Apr 5, 2020
My ex and I were together for 2 years and 9 months. It was my first relationship. I graduated from undergraduate in May 2017 having not ever dated in college and my relationship status changed in June 2017. He was 14 years my senior. The substantial age gap didn’t matter to me, because I knew that your mental age was more important than your chronological age. I had seen couples with significant age differences bridge the gap and not let social stigma weigh them down. My aunt and uncle and even grandparents. I believed when it came to love, age was just a number.
I was the younger partner who was mature for my age, and he was the older partner who was playful and perhaps a bit immature. He was way more mature than the younger guys I had come across in college though. Just because he was older didn’t mean that he was wiser or knew how to guide our relationship better. Turns out, age doesn’t equate to wisdom. It wasn’t our age that didn’t allow us to work, it was other differences that any traditional relationship could have.
Many of us have at some point experienced it- having to walk away from someone we love and shared a passionate relationship with. Sometimes the relationship just is no longer right for you , your emotional needs aren’t being met , you are investing disproportionate effort, or the situation calls for it.
It’s not easy letting go of someone you love. Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest and most uncomfortable things you will ever have to do. A lot of it has to do with the fact that it involves surrendering to the facts and letting go of aspects of your past. But that’s just that, you have to do it. Why? Well, because it’s necessary!
We barter our own happiness in exchange for getting what we want or think we need without realizing that sometimes we’re meant to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore . It’s realizing that the only person you have direct and immediate control over is yourself. You can’t control other people. Not how they perceive you, talk about you, feel about you or behave towards you . You can only control your reactions to them. No matter how uneasy it is, you accept the things you cannot change and do something about the things you can. You get to decide how much you are going to let the other person’s behavior impact you.
Letting go is taking care of yourself, your needs and becoming free. It’s removing all baggage and toxicity. It means being brave to move forward to get where you want to be and trusting that things will get better. There are times when you just have to look inside of yourself and admit- it’s done, it’s over, and it’s time to move on. Being unafraid to let go of your expectations of how things should have been will get you to moving forward.
Here’s how to let go of someone you love so you can get back to living the life you want.
1.Cut contact, separate and break away completely
I would advise that you not see, talk to, or communicate at all. Stop the phone conversations, social media following, providing emotional support, and visits. If you are doing these things, chances are you wont heal and you will allow new energy in. Maintaining contact can lead to confusion and further heartbreak. The no contact rule will help you move on more quickly and less painfully. HEAR THIS & I MEAN HEAR IT “DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THEM PERIOD POOH….”
2. Get rid of the relationship reminders and switch up your environment
Disconnect from the memories, the physical reminders and the clutter from your relationship. Throw
away the pictures, cards and all other tangible reminders. Stop following the familiar routine and start expanding your horizons. You do not have to go to the same places, and especially not at the same time.
3. Practice Forgiveness and ask God to change your heart
Forgiveness can change your life. It allows you to overcome negative emotions. Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past or forget what has happened. Neither, does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. When you forgive someone you’re not saying that you weren’t hurt or that you will forget that hurt. It did happen, but you can forgive. The moment you commit to forgiving,you are free to forgive yourself, forgive the person and forgive the situation. Make your peace with the past.
4. Focus on what you learned, not what you lost
Perhaps you learned “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them” or “To not ignore red flags.”. Maybe you learned “A queen should never put their heart in the hands of a joker” Life goes on teaching you the same lesson if you make the same mistake. So keep the lessons and never repeat the same mistake twice. That will be a shame on you. You only become a fool when you continuously fall for THE SAME OLE SHIT!
5. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and grieve.
Allow yourself to feel angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, lonely, frustrated, guilty, confused, anxious, shocked, panic-stricken, defeated and depressed, but don't stay there. Know that there is a chance that lives. A chance for excitement, comfort, appreciation, joy, happiness, love, uplifting, awaits you. It's waiting for you to invite it into your space and welcome it with open arms.
7. Invest in your relationship with yourself - prioritize self care. Do things that bring you joy, nurture your soul.
Self care is about looking after yourself and your mental health. We as individuals should dedicate time out of each day for ourselves. There’s no such thing as too busy. You can never be too busy to care for yourself. You are priority over all other people and all other things. To be healthy, you must give yourself the time, attention, energy and compassion that you deserve. Being kind to yourself regularly is one of the best things you can do for yourself. You must profess with your lips “I am going to make a beautiful life for myself no matter what it takes''. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for all other relationships in your life. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Some ideas for self care include: pamper night , sleep, exercising, , meditating, retail therapy, journaling, reading a book per month , listening to a podcast, turning off your phone, trying positive affirmation, getting rid of toxic friends, finding a mentor, setting goals, creating a vision board, practicing gratitude,eating healthier, traveling, learning a new skill, organizing your home and work area, developing a get out of debt plan, getting a good night's sleep, spend time in nature, develop a personal crisis plan, apologizing to yourself, adopt an attitude of curiosity, taking PTO, say no when you need to, stop comparing yourself to others, make fun a priority.
8. Pray for strength and guidance
Call upon God for his divine guidance and help. Ask that he show you which way to turn and calm your anxious thoughts. Ask that he speak into your mind, provide wisdom and give you the strength and courage to follow through. Trust in the process of prayer and don’t get ahead of his plans, so that you can see how God is at work in your life.
9. Seek support and talk it out
Get the support you need from a professional, family, friends or a support group.
10. Avoid venting on social media
A breakup is something that has happened between you and your partner, it's private. You won't get the validation you’re looking for from people that don't know what happened or what is best for you. The only thing sadder than being sad in real life is looking sad on social media. Once you post something it is no longer private and it welcomes unwanted comments. People tend to remember the negatives and a post does nothing but create a paper trail for people. Deleting something may take something away from people's eyes but not their memories.. Chances are they wont forget what they saw. Words said in anger will only bring regret. Once it's out there, it's out there.
11. Take the high road
Be the bigger person in the situation and do what is morally right. Do not abandon your principles or stoop to anyone else’s level. Don't consider just what benefits you, look at the larger picture. Make the effort to not act out of your feelings or offend anyone. Have good intentions and don't speak ill of him or her. Avoid being petty, impolite, bashful, belittling or demeaning. Behave decently, be cordial and don't lose your cool.
12. Enjoy single hood
You’re fresh out of a relationship, you don't need to date right away or face a new relationship. Give yourself the time you need and take a break from the relationship lifestyle. Allow yourself time to process your thoughts and feelings and make peace with your past. Don't find a person to fill a void, but instead learn how to be independent and spend time alone. This is a good time to start setting a higher standard for a partner and better preparing yourself for the next relationship you get into.
Apply these tips when getting over a break up and taking power over your new direction.
Much Love Sisters,